When God is Silent

Once a quarter we have the wonderful privilege of making a trip to Omaha. Carlon is on the board of Grace University and that means I get to spend quality time with my daughter and son in law and grandsons! We generally get to visit the Children's Museum and the fabulous Henry Doorley Zoo, eat a couple of great meals out - Smash Burger, La Casa Pizza, and have Saturday morning donuts from Mrs. Olson's shop in "Little Italy" where my husband grew up. Truly the most amazing donuts anywhere! I love my daughter and son in law's home - a grand old 100 year old two story in the historic Hanscomb Park neighborhood. It's right down the road from Gerald Ford's birthplace, close to downtown - with character hard to find in the suburbs. I love taking walks when we are there - tree covered streets and sidewalks, squirrels that have the run of the neighborhood (people actually attach squirrel feeders to their trees!), homes of all shapes and colors and sizes (some have picket fences enclosing their front yards) and rich with stories from a long forgotten era. It's sometimes loud (they live on a bus route and thoroughfare) and yet, peaceful. I love it.

The past two years, Mary and Aaron have been on an international adoption journey. Almost a year ago they were matched with a little baby girl who was chosen just for them. They awaited word for when they could travel thousands of miles and many hours and finally meet their little girl. The time came, they stood before a judge - only to be told they were not approved and their return visit to bring her home put on hold. Not because of anything lacking on their part but because of an investigation that put all adoptions on hold. So, sadly yet hopeful, they returned home - and continued to wait and pray for an end to the investigation and word that they were approved and could bring their baby home. Maybe we're not exercising enough faith - maybe we should fast - maybe we need to pray for her more diligently - maybe we're not claiming promises - maybe our doubts are getting in the way - maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe God isn't listening. Maybe....God doesn't care. And then, word came that the investigation was over! Those waiting for adoptions to be finalized would finally get to bring their babies home - just a few more days, maybe just a few weeks. One by one, friends they met on this journey were approved, but still no word about their baby. And then, another snag - another dilemma, one their case worker had never experienced, only heard about. Rare. Really God? More prayers - another crisis solved and more problems averted. But still they wait, with hearts that ache to once again hold their baby girl. Her room is all ready with carefully chosen decorations both old and new, a reflection of a lifetime of hopes and dreams. One of my favorite things are the pastel butterflies that seem to be flying away above her crib. Butterflies - new life, freedom - hope! Her birthday is coming up. This baby will soon be a toddler! We hang on to what we know is true - God is good. He may be silent for now, but He is good. He loves our little girl with a love that is humanly impossible to comprehend. And - He loves us too. The grand old house in the beautiful old neighborhood with a very special family is ready, along with an entire community of relatives and friends who have never met but already love her. So we rest in His silence and continue waiting- for Hope.

Update: The very morning I published this post, Mary called with the news that their adoption papers had been signed!! Hope belongs to them now. Her birthday is today, July 30!! Happy Birthday little Hope Bezualem Shaul!

Desperation

Recently our daughter was here with her three little boys and we decided on the spur of the moment to go the park, the beautiful new park by Lake Overholtzer. As is often the case, little boys who hadn't needed to use the bathroom 15 minutes before while we were still at home suddenly needed to go - the whole nine miles. So Mary and the boys walked quite a distance to the most likely place to find a bathroom, in fact where a bathroom was located, only to find them locked. Then they saw a couple of portable units on the other end of the playground. After another long trek, and looking at the condition of the units, all of them decided they'd be wise to wait. Soon the boys were running and playing on the equipment, "Good." I thought "They'll be fine for a bit." Before long I saw Micah, one of my five year old twin grandsons, walk over to an area underneath one end of the jungle gym. He sat down on the ground and buried his head in his arms. I walked over to him and bending down asked what was wrong. He looked up at me, earnestly and with red eyes said, "Nana, I'm just praying that somehow we can find a bathroom!"

You know, sometimes the most mundane, everyday things can bring our worlds to a standstill and make us miserable. And our worlds are full of those kinds of things. "It's just life" you might say, "I'll... survive." True, but God cares and He is in the midst of our everyday, ordinary chaos. And He wants us to not only survive, He wants to be our strength and help every step of the way. He uses those times to deepen and mature us as He brings us to a place, where like Micah, we finally bury our heads in our arms and say "Lord, I need You!!" God cares about you and me.

So, He cares. Then, why doesn't He fix everything and change our circumstances? Why doesn't He make life perfect for us? You know, Micah didn't find another bathroom, one didn't fall from the sky or arrive on a heavenly truck. In fact he and Eli and our daughter went back to the filthy portable unit - and survived - with STRICT instructions not to touch anyone or anything until after a bath which followed not long after!

God says to you and to me, if you let Me, I'll walk with you every step of the way, through every season, valley, and storm of life. Oh and by the way, not only will I walk with you, I will carry you - no matter how filthy you get. And the miracle is, He may not change our life circumstances but He will change us. And that is what matters most of all.

Psalm 62:1-2 (NLT) "I wait quietly before God, for my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my fortress, where I will never be shaken."
Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

A Little Girl's Dream

Our daughter Mary and her husband Aaron, and their three little boys (four year old twins Micah and Eli and two year old Isaac) are in the process of adopting a little baby girl from Ethiopia. Mary has her nursery just about ready - just a few little touches here and there are all that need to be done. One of the sweet pictures on the wall is an oval, silver framed picture from a calendar she had as a little girl. It is one of her treasures. It is an artist's illustration of a little African American girl surrounded by all of her favorite things, and the look on her face is one of pure joy. Then Mary pulled out of the closet her Bitty Baby American Girl doll she received for Christmas when she was about 10 years old. It too is an African American baby and again, one of her treasures.

When Mary was little, around the age of four or five, I remember watching something on television with her about children in an African country who were starving due to a famine in that area. It touched the whole family, but Mary especially was moved. She wanted to fill up airplanes with clothes and food and take them to the little children and help them - right now! Her desire to in some way go and help children who were orphaned whether here or overseas never really materialized during her growing up years, but it was a dream that never left her heart.

Fast forward about 16 years and Mary met and fell in love with a man with a heart for the world. Aaron did a missions internship when he was a student at Grace University for nine months in Kenya. Even though he now is a partner in Cornerstone Remodeling and works long hard hours, he has over the years headed up several missions trips for his church to Zambia where they have helped start an orphanage, as well as trips to Haiti and Mexico. They began saving from the very beginning of their marriage for something missions related - maybe with the hope of one day serving overseas. They've done without many things, been happy with used, rescued, renovated and now live in a 100 year old house, are raising three little boys, while saving for a dream.

Then, one day Mary began reading blogs of those had adopted children from other countries. More and more she began to think, maybe we could do this too. She and Aaron began thinking and praying and about a year and a half ago began the long and difficult process of adopting a child from Ethiopia. The journey is almost complete. They've been matched with a little baby girl they have named Hope, and are in the gut wrenching waiting period - waiting to hear from the courts in Ethiopia about when they will be able to make their first trip over to legally adopt their little girl. Of course, it won't be the end of the story. It will just be the beginning. But, it is the culmination of a dream that began in the heart of a little four or five year old girl so many years ago.

You see, God was at work in the heart of my child. In the busyness and "hurry up-edness" of life, most of the time as a busy mom I was charging ahead - doing the next thing, making sure everyone was clothed and fed and lived in a fairly clean house. As a young mom I was focused on raising children who would be contributers, have good manners, and hopefully not embarrass me too much! But, forgetting or perhaps not really thinking about the fact that in the swirl of life, here was a little person with hopes and dreams as big as mine. And, even if I didn't pay very much attention to the intimacies of her heart - noticed and loved by the same big God who noticed and loved me. And, He had a plan that began long before Mary was ever born.

Hope was born to a poor teenage Ethiopian mother, but in eternity past, she was chosen for Mary. Soon, the little girl who ached to hold and help those babies who lived so far away, will be holding and rocking little baby Hope - as her mother.

Matthew 19:14 - "But Jesus said, "'Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.'"

Hope Tree

Living in Oklahoma, we experience extreme weather conditions - tornadoes, straight line winds, ice storms, heat, drought - even earthquakes! Like everyone, we clean up the messes, pick up the pieces, suffer through the heat, and deal with things the best we know how. In our backyard we have a small redbud three that has weathered just about every storm you can imagine. Twice the little tree has literally torn in two - with great branches hanging by a piece of bark, twisted and lying on the ground. After one such episode we almost cut it down. "No, please don't cut it down, yet!!" Spring rolled around, and, could it be? Yes! The little half tree had buds then leaves on it's remaining branches! Our little tree was alive and it didn't look horrible, maybe a little twisted and off center, but beautiful to me. Another winter, another ice storm - another crush of life and branches all over the ground. More pruning, more cutting, more life squashing. Lord, how much more can this little tree take?! Please, please don't let it die. Another cold winter, lots of snow, harsh cold - another spring, and - Oh my my goodness - lots of leaves on this little tree! Bent, bruised - torn - but beautiful. My little Hope Tree.

Life has it's share of storms too. Sometimes they come in waves, one right after the other, and we think how in the world are we going to make it through this? Sometimes they come crashing down on us, unexpected, harsh, almost unreal. Sometimes they are simply an undercurrent of sadness, things we can't resolve - issues that never seem to get better or go away, like a drought during a long hot summer. Life crushing, life sapping - Life. And, as I stand in front of my kitchen sink and look at our little mis-shapen tree I think - I can make it too. Losses don't have to destroy or define me but they can produce a kind of beauty in my life. I might be a little wiser, a little less self centered, and more humble in spite of being bruised and most definitely broken. Not who I was, but - beautiful. Jesus beautiful. A beauty that comes from deep inside fashioned by my heavenly Father, the one Who knows and understands and controls all of the events of my life. Who would have ever thought that bruised and broken could be beautiful? Thank you, God - and - thank you, little Hope Tree.

Psalm 51:17 -"The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."
Isaiah 42:3 - "He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. He will bring justice to all who have been wronged."
Romans 5:3-4 - "We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

A Few Good Men

This year has seen the passing of some pretty incredible men in my life - my father in law, my voice teacher from college, and my uncle. When I say incredible - they truly were gifted, gracious, larger than life men who impacted my life in quite specific ways. I think we are always looking for a "few good men" to be our role models and leaders, and unfortunately finding them is kind of hard these days. When God brings one into our lives, what a gift.

I knew my father in law first as an administrator and teacher. He had been at Grace for 25 years when I first knew him as a college freshman. I knew he had several children, 7 to be exact, and one was my age. Carlon was a cut above everyone else - and I know why - he had a cut above dad. His first car, his prize and joy, was a Dodge Charger - and he took exceptional care of his prize. He and his dad enjoyed working on cars together. We were waiting for his dad one day after classes, something about the car, and I'll never forget the look on Carlon's face as he looked up and saw his dad walking towards us. It was pure admiration - I've never seen anything like it. I felt a little jealous - did he look at me that way sometimes too?! Did his eyes shine like that when he saw me coming? Probably not at that time - but - wow... wow... wow. That must be one great dad. And, I can attest to the fact that he was. What a blessing to be in a family loved by such a man.

My college voice teacher, Mr. Wiebe, was a musical inspiration like no one I had ever known. My first choice of colleges was not Grace, but God had much better plans for my life! In this small school where everyone knew everyone, I found myself in a warm, nurturing environment for musical growth. Along with that a desire to glorify God with music was drilled into every practice and performance. And passion!!! Mr. Wiebe couldn't complete a rehearsal without dripping with sweat, shedding a few tears, and working us hard. It had to be perfect - and we wanted to be! I memorized every facial expression, every move he made, every cue, every breath - I internalized him! He took a chance on this incoming freshman, giving me a solo in the Christmas performance of the Messiah. Really - ME? Singing "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth" with a full orchestra - it felt like an out of body experience. Had I gone to my first choice of colleges, I know that opportunity would never have been given to - me. He was direct and honest during voice lessons - but that just made me work harder. He had a beautiful bass voice. Mr. Wiebe was absolutely the best musician I had ever known. I've noticed, and so have others, that when I direct I move a LOT. And make lots of faces - expressions - is a nicer word. I feel like I go to a place deep inside, a passion, that only comes out at those times. Well - it's the inner Mr. Wiebe. I've channeled him, unknowingly by the way - but it's him you see in me. I could never change. He was simply the best.

My uncle, Buford Geddie, my Dad's second oldest brother, is probably the kindest person I have ever known. Really - the absolute kindest. He was a handsome, gifted man who loved people in a way I have rarely seen in my whole life. He had a big smile that broke across his face whenever he saw me, or anyone, and never left. I was always Bonnie Ann to my Texas relatives, and he would say when he would see me - every single time, without fail - (remember, Texas accent here) "Why Bonnie Ann! It is so good to see you darlin! How are you!?" And - he meant every word! Who means those words, really means them, most of the time? He owned I think at one time 13 pharmacies in Corpus Christi - and every customer felt like a personal friend. He loved and cared for his parents, called them "Mama" and "Daddy." He truly was a good son. I watched him. When I married, he loved my husband and eventually my children. At the age of 90, I believe he was still singing in the choir, helping out at his church, busy with activities at his retirement home. He took his daughters on an Alaskan cruise about a year ago. He was a good son, a good brother, a good husband, a good father, a good uncle, a good friend - a good man.

Now - I have raised men. I pray that they will also be good men - good husbands and fathers and brothers, and sons. I pray a lot for them, and always have. I pray that they too will leave this a world a better place than when they entered it. I pray that they will be larger than life men, who know what is important, who leave a legacy of godliness in ways that cannot be measured except by the blessings they leave in the lives of the people they touch. It's a big order, I know, but I have seen a few good men - and I know God can answer that prayer.

Memories and Everyday Miracles

When Mary and the boys were here in April while Aaron went to Haiti, we visited the Oklahoma City Zoo. Located inside the Children's Zoo is a aviary for Lorikeets. I'm not sure what they are - but they are colorful like parrots and maybe they have some parakeet in them as well. Anyway, as soon as we walked in we were surrounded, literally, by friendly Lorikeets looking for some nectar. We had a couple of little cups that were gone in a few minutes. I think that was the highlight of the day for me! As I was thinking about putting the pictures I took that day into a video, I added some from the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, and then began looking through pictures of the last four years and decided to add a few of them too! I couldn't include all that I wanted to, but here are a few snapshots of the last four years of being a Nana to Eli, Micah, and Isaac. Love you guys. You truly are wonders.

Choices

Urgency and Passion - two words that kept coming to my mind today as I was praying for my country. And mainly - where are they? The picture of the frog in the kettle of water slowing being cooked came to my mind. It's me. It's my evangelical Christian world - passionate about politics and causes, but not very passionate about Jesus. What would passion for Jesus look like in my world? "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will added unto you." What would happen if I really believed and acted upon that truth? I think the time has come to, as the saying goes, "fish or cut bait." I am so unencumbered. And, I think time is short. What will I say when I face my Lord and I have to give an accounting of how I lived my life? An old song I used to sing comes to my mind sometimes - "If I the King of heaven choose, if I the things of earth refuse, the best I gain - the worst I lose, the choice is mine. Because He gave His life for me, because of love on Calvary, I'll serve Him for eternity. The choice is mine." I hardly know where to begin - except to say to my Father once again - here are my eyes, my mouth, my hands, my feet, my gifts and talents, my time, my money - use me for Your Glory. Sing Your life song through me.